My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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