i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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