My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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