i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize