So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
