Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
