The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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