Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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