turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
