Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
