there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The best revenge is premature balding
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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