just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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