i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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