he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
