even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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