Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
