Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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