you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
