It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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