Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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