I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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