I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
