I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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