You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
