I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize