Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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