We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
