turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
