my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
