I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
