Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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