he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize