She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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