The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
