u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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