i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
