I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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