Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
