Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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