We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
