He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
