He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
