I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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