I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize