I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
