her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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