last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
