I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
