i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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