I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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