theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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