She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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