And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
