hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
