Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
