I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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